Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, as the name of the book suggests, it asserts the idea that men and women are poles apart as if they belong to two different planets. Author John Gray provides many suggestions for improving relationships between men and women by understanding the style and needs of each other even if individuals don’t necessarily conform to stereotypical behavior.

It is extremely important to remember that men and women have very different approaches and nature. Thus for healthy relationships, we need to appreciate these differences, and stop expecting that the other partner should feel or act in the way we would.

Men prefer the recognition and appreciation of their abilities whereas women prefer their emotions to be appreciated. They hate it when that gets ignored or belittled. Men prefer working single-handedly and showcase their abilities while women prefer problem solving through co-operation and communication. Men desire that their solutions get appreciation while women want appreciation for their assistance.

When in tough situations, men become non-communicative and work out the best solution for themselves, while women seek the best solution through communication with others. When men communicate, it is to the point, and generally interested in listening if they feel the conversation has a point; while women can carry on talking for hours for its own sake and can listen unconditionally. (Though they never give chance for others to speak! :P)

A natural instinct of man is to look after himself even at the cost of sacrificing other, on the other hand, woman’s instinct is to care for other even by sacrificing herself. Thus, to make a relationship successful, men must learn to care for his partner and women must learn to how get the care so that both win. Because if this doesn’t happen one partner would always win at the cost of other and the relationship unravels inevitably. Both must remember to appreciate, accept, and forgive the other, and avoid blaming other in case of failure.

Men talk in very literal terms, they mean what they say; whereas women employ artistic creativity and dramatic vocabulary to express their feelings. (And we all know what happens when dramatic vocabulary is misunderstood.) Men tend to sort their thoughts before communicating, while woman prefers sorting thoughts in communication process. In tough situations, women needs reassurance that her partner still feels her worthy of being taken care of while men need reassurance that his partner trusts him to take care of things. Both must understand this difference and avoid blaming each other during such situations.

When in problem, man doesn’t want his partner to express concern for him instead expects to be told that the problem is simple and he is capable of emerging victorious through it. But, when woman is in problem she should not be told that problem is simple or she doesn’t expect a quick solution, in fact she expects her partner to express concern for her. A solution should be only given after her feelings are completely listened.

Thus for enduring relationship each person should make small changes in the way they communicate and react/respond, but without compromising their true nature.

At times men may become unapproachable, demanding to be left on their own and to not express, but if proper support and adequate space is given for a little while, they soon feel better and jump back into their usual loving selves just like a rubber band. During this period women should resist the temptation to try to drag their partners back prematurely or criticise them over this natural behaviour.

Women sometimes sink into a depression when they feel it is time for emotional cleansing and resolution. During this phase they may become negative in their outlook, and keep worrying about even unreal concerns. At this time they demand attention from partner and right to express. If proper care and support is provided they feel happy and return to their original loving nature. Men should resist the temptation to try to lift their partners back up prematurely or criticise them over this natural behaviour.

Men and women have different emotional needs. Women need to be heard by their partner while men seek faith of the partner in their abilities.

In a relationship, communication should be warm and respectful, verbal attacks with wrong tone and body language can be destructive for the relationship. When men make mistakes they become frustrated and should be left alone till they calm down. Men consider apologies as admission of guilt where as women consider them as expression of compassion.

During an argument often men use strong and aggressive words to ensure a win and women frequently back out. But this is a hollow win as the views of the partner have not been changed. Women often pretend that disagreement has been forgotten but this gives rise to cold peace as issue is not resolved only suppressed.

To stop communication degenerating into arguments, men should strive to listen without getting defensive, and women should try to express their feelings without criticising their partners.

Men feel loved if their efforts in the relationship are appreciated while women feel loved according to what they receive. For women loving means anticipating needs of the loved ones and proactively giving it; whereas men would often not know what to give unless asked for. Men often quickly suspend giving when they feel pleased about having done something; women on other hand only suspend giving when they feel displeased with their partner for doing nothing.

Men value results; for women it’s the thought that counts. Men value big things while women feel more appreciated by receiving lots of little gifts. If men give, and women appreciate, both end up feeling happy.

To ease the pain of negative feelings and win love, men often obsessively seek success, and women obsessively seek perfection. Men may use ego, anger to avoid such feelings while women may lapse into depression. Writing our feelings down is brilliant for voicing our negative emotions (anger, pain, fear, and regret) in a controlled manner, rather than letting them explode at our partners in the heat of the moment.

When the unresolved negative feelings, issues pop-up without warning we suddenly become upset, distant; during this phase, support, care and time should be provided to the partner.

Over time, our personal faults, negative baggage become exposed which in turn changes the initial divine feeling of love. But, if we understand and support each other through ups and downs the initial bliss gradually turns into mature love which stronger with passing time.